Almost two years.
Almost two years it took me to actually make myself sit down and write this. Wanting to write this, so to speak. Two years it took me to come to terms with the fact that I am not the same person I used to be, I have changed. Maybe for worse, as my inner self tells me, and calls out to me, urges me to go beyond this shadow of the earlier version I used to be.
There are two sides of the coin, for
anything and everything. I still believe strongly that my ‘previously’ innate nature of ‘reading avidly and writing in my journal at regular intervals’ has bid a permanent goodbye to me, and I’m left with nothing to look forward to. Not being a person I admired, a person I wished to be, a person I used to be, has taken a toll on me, and has left me utterly frustrated. As I pen down these modest words right now, I wonder, ashamed, abashed, to myself, “Wasn’t I a better writer than this nonsense I’m writing?”
Perhaps I was. Perhaps I’ve outgrown that. Perhaps I’m now a mere admirer of other more talented writers and absolutely disappointed at my heightened levels of mediocrity. Perhaps right now, you’ll be wondering, “What in the God’s name is she actually trying to say?!” Yes, I’ve lost that touch. I do not want to admit it out loud, but I have. Reasons for the same, atleast some, are well known to me. Am I hiding behind those reasons and preventing myself from moving forward and not leaving this behind? Yes I am. Since a LONG time. Am I disconcerted by this? Majorly.
Forgive me for this mortifying post I just had to jot down. It was like, my mind, my heart, my fingers were calling out to me and screaming in my head to just write something. JUST WRITE, exactly in caps, as they said. Maybe one day I might regain my composure back and actually be the writer I always dreamed of becoming, the potential I was told I had some eons back. (Do not mistaken this for conceit, I am not the one to be, I kid you not. Ask my pals.)
Maybe I will become that madly-in-love-with-reading-writing-thrills-me type of girl again. But until that, I’m struggling. And will continue to struggle for some time. I just hope I come out of it. And soon.