“Khol de woh girhein, jo lagaye, tujhpe tu..”
How much I relate to the wonder that is music! Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of right and wrong, so deeply engraved in our minds, and how it guides almost every action and decision we take in our lives. Personally, I’ve always been a sort of a control-freak when it comes to ideologies. I have had certain strict principles with the help of which I deal with some major life-decisions, despite being a modern, free-thinking person, which becomes oxymoronic and tougher to deal with, at times. But I never really felt the need to let go of my principles even if they went against what I really wanted in life. And this has cost me to lose some very important people. As much as I’d hate to admit it, that is how I have been all this while.
This may make me come across as intransigent, but I’ve always believed that one’s individuality is governed by his/her ideals, opinions, and in general, their lives’ philosophies. And mine always has had a big fat line crossed between what is right and what is wrong. Between what one “wants” to do, and what is “supposed” to be done. Interestingly, this line of thought hasn’t always been in favour of my interests; but many a times, for my loved ones. People I always thought I am answerable to. Maybe I still believe that, but here goes the gist of a bunch of reveling thoughts I happen to come across since the last few days.
One cannot actually let go of their ideals that easily, they define who we are, because let’s face it, who are we without these ideals anyway then? Although I do know people happily spending their lives not pondering over such matters (which sometimes makes me wish I was one of them). But somehow, my life has brought me to such a juncture now that this dichotomous ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ is now costing me to lose the actual essence of living each day, fully. Hence, since some time now, I have started going against my own philosophy, and I’ve been attempting to blur the line, one tiny step at a time. Baby steps, yes, but I can vouch for the fact that I’ve made a little progress in doing so. I want to now think of doing and believing in what is good for me, because it is mighty important to care for your loved ones, but it is more important to be able answer to your own self at the end of the day, whether you’re even a little close to the kind of life you envisage to live in the coming years.
Will it take time? Yes. Heaps. Will I lose who I was, who I am? Absolutely not. Change isn’t always supposed to be bad, it means you’re evolving, you’re maturing, turning into a “better leaf” (as the metaphor goes). I am aiming to become a better version of Antara, someone who will have the courage to live, learn, and love to the fullest; and I see no harm in losing myself, in order to find myself again.
May the best version win!